Uncategorized
Comments 29

Findingravity, it’s been real. Fistbump.

I’m just going to cut right to the heart of this post:

Sometimes I have these moments of panic where I’m like, “WHY AREN’T YOU WRITING?” Why is this not your career? Why aren’t you doing this thing that you love that you’ve been doing since you were four when your preschool teacher wrote in your student journal, “Carley spends a lot of time at the writing station, I think she’s destined to be a writer.”

And that’s a scary thing to think about – that maybe I’m doing this whole thing wrong. I know there isn’t really a way to do this thing “right”, because really, we’re all getting out of bed every day and doing the best we can. Still, it’s a scary thing to consciously accept that there’s this gift that I’m neglecting.

I don’t mean to say “gift” implying that I’ve been “gifted” with this incredible talent, because I haven’t. There are millions of writers out there who I admire, and are more talented than I am. There are millions of writers out there who are getting PAID to be more talented than I am.  But it’s a gift in the sense that I have an out. I have something to turn to. A place to go and people who listen (whether or not they want to is not something I can comment on. My family, friends, and the Internet have been extremely kind and gracious in choosing to read the words I constantly force upon them).

Is it a gift to have something you love to do?
Yes.
Is it a damn shame not to make it your career?
Maybe.

I have a very real fear that the thing I love so much could become work that I hate if I made it my life’s work. I KNOW THAT IS A CRAZY THING TO THINK. But it’s a thing that I think about often. I’ve seen, known, and loved people whose work has driven them absolutely insane, and maybe I’m being selfish here, but I don’t want the beautiful relationship I have with my writing to become a thing that I’m putting off because I’d rather be watching Mad Men. (Okay, I said Mad Men to sound trendy but maybe I meant New Girl. Whatever.)

And none of this is to say that I’m not happy with my career at the moment, because I’m fortunate to wake up every day and work with an incredible team filled with people I truly value and want to be around. I get to work on projects that are so damn inspiring that suddenly I’m walking home from an impromptu evening work meeting on a random Tuesday and I’m hit with this overwhelming feeling of, “Holy shit, people are so cool – their ideas, and their dreams, and their brains are JUST SO BIG AND COOL.”

But sometimes, the writing half of me shouts, “Hey! What about me? I’m cool, too!”

Which leads me to my next point:

I’ve been the proud owner of Findingravity for coming up on three years, and sometimes you work on something for three years and it carries you through the rest of your life. But other times, you outgrow things. You outgrow mindsets, and belief systems, and even people. Sometimes you rediscover them and you try to make them fit, like finding your old prom dress. And you take it off the hanger and hold it up to your body, and you try to squeeze into it. When it doesn’t fit, you’re a little crushed, because when you find that sorbet green tulle trailing beauty, for a moment, you wish you could be 18 again.

And you learn that as humans we are elastic, and resilient, and we really can stretch much, much further than we ever thought we could. That it’s actually healthy to outgrow. Sometimes, I read this blog, and despite it being filled with wonderful experiences that I’m unequivocally proud of, I feel heavy and sad all at once. This space is completely emblematic of where I was at very nebulous time in my life. Not knowing what I wanted, moving to a new city, embarking on this journey that, as a woman, has been so important in shaping who I’ve become. But now, I feel like I’m in a different point in my life.

I feel like I’m a different person. Part of growing into who I am and who I want to be in my adult life means learning how to challenge the people and places and parts of myself I’m too comfortable with. Life is really just about being brave enough to ask really difficult questions, and figuring out how to move forward no matter the answer. For me, right now, life is about learning how to cut through the middle of all the bullshit, and doing so with compassion and kindness, while not sacrificing my value. (I can say bullshit and compassion in the same sentence, right?)

I want the hub that houses my personal writing to demonstrate that sentiment.

I want to write for my blog again, and I WILL write for my blog again, and I hope that you are all still here when I do (because I love you all). That said, I want the place that I write to represent me accurately, and the truth is, right now it doesn’t. It’s going to take a few months of soul searching and digging and rejiggering, and design hounding, but I plan to relaunch a new blog hopefully between now and the New Year. A place that is home. It’s probably the first step in making writing a thing that I actually DO, you know, as part of my external, public facing life. It’s also probably going to occupy every spare moment of my free time to the point where it’s Saturday night and I’m locked away eating soup from a package.

It’s been a long time since I’ve poured myself into my writing, but it will all be worth it.

I’ll see you guys on the other side of whatever it is I’m about to do.

All of this is to say: Findingravity, it’s been real. Fist bump into explosion.

 photo signiture.jpg

Advertisements

29 Comments

  1. Hey Carley,

    I relate to your frustration. I have gone through much of the same things that you express recently. I wish you well on this journey, but I hope you will not throw out this forum. Finding Gravity has been something that I have looked forward to, even if I have not commented often. your perspective has given me material to grapple with, and I believe has helped me be a better person. As you decide what direction to take your life, and your writing, invite me along!

    TJW

    • Oh man – this comment is everything! Thank you so much, and rest assured, I will not be trashing Findingravity completely. It will live on in existence! Thank you for sharing your insight, and that this little place of mine has helped you grow just as it has helped me grow! My new project will have the same fire that this one had (I am, still me, afterall!!) It will just be a place that feels a little more grown up, and a little more like home to the person writing behind it.

      Thanks for your support, it truly means the world.

  2. Yes honey … you can say bullshit and compassion in the same sentence. You can say any sentence you want as long as it’s saying what you need to say and it’s going in the direction you need it to go in. I can’t wait to see what you do next .

  3. Carley,

    I have to say, I’m so glad I first found you on Finding Gravity. This prelude (if you don’t mind me calling it that) has been a joy. I truly mean that, as simple as it might sound.

    But, I can’t wait to see—and read—what comes next.

    Chris

    • Thanks so much for following along! I think a prelude is exactly what this was. 🙂 I’m excited for what comes next, too, and happy to have you along for the ride!

  4. Mrs. P says

    Totally understand your thoughts on turning something you love in to work. I won’t do it for the same reason. You’re still in my reader, I’ll be here for the next chapter.

    • Hi Mrs. P! Are you getting my new posts in your reader? I’ve relauched a new blog here called The Renegade Rulebook, and it seems like some of my readers are getting emails and some aren’t. Sad! Let me know! xoxo

      • Mrs. P says

        Hi Carley! I am so glad you sent that message because I wasn’t getting your new posts in either my reader or by email. I’ve got you in my reader again and look forward to checking out what’s happening over there.

        Forewarning: I am seriously behind in my blog reading…jammed schedule but I do get around to it on some weekends…I might be lagging in response time, though. 😉

      • Oh don’t sweat it sugar, I was just checking in with a few of my regulars! Cheers!

    • KATE!! I was wondering if you’ve gotten any notifications (either in your reader or via email) from my new blog, The Renegade Rulebook. Some of my readers are getting notifications and some aren’t 😦 which is a huge bummer. Just checking! An if not, you can resubscribe to The Renegade Rulebook on the sidebar.

      Hope you’re well lovely!

  5. Really enjoyed this blog so hope you do get the time & actually want to write on here again! Good luck with your new blog too x

    • Sammijo! Are you getting my new posts? I’ve relaunched (FINALLY!!) as The Renegade Rulebook and it seems like some of my awesome readers are getting my content and some aren’t so I’m following up! Let me know if you’ve gotten any emails or if I’m in your reader. If not, you can resubscribe to the new site on the main page!

      xo

      • How frustrating! WELL, I’m super glad you’re still here! Hope you didn’t think this was spammy. Just checking in with people who expressed interest on my last FG post! xoxo

  6. I just found an older post of your with a great song, thanks! Love Penny and Sparrow. 😉 Now this post made me grin a lot as well. I totally relate to “outgrowing the growth.” I’ve had to sit and ruminate for a year, or maybe 2. And you know, it always does come full circle at times, but in a brand new “rebirth” pathway to get there again. I too missed writing but nothing I wrote prior suited “my skin” now, so I tried to re-create, but realized that all of it (the petty, the trivial, the dramatic, the glee, the dark and weary, the hopeful and bright) was all me still. I just needed a refresh. New user name perhaps, new intro, a few deleted posts and working on new ones to start. Though I’d like to think I close the door on past journeys, I end up defeated the purpose of having been on them to begin with. So this time, I’ll just re-fuel and go again. Okay, so this is hopeful…it may not work and I may just use a blank slate. LOL. We choose what we need to. You’ve got tons of people that await any slate you bring to them for sure. You’re writing is sublime. 😉

    • HI! This is the NICEST comment! I’ve just relaunched a new blog called The Renegade Rulebook here, and I’d love for you to subscribe so you keep getting my content! This was so thoughtful, I hope you stick around!

      xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s