I’ve expressed my love of coffee several times on this blog, to the point where you MAY be thinking I take it intravenously. There is one thing I love even more than coffee shops, and that’s the people inside coffee shops.
Contrary to popular opinion, I consider myself to be quite normal in many ways. I work full time, I exercise, I go grocery shopping, I shower, etc.
Disclaimer – Please don’t take the things I’ve stated to be the only bar for normal. If you don’t work full time (being a mother counts as a full time job), don’t grocery shop, hate exercise, and don’t shower, no worries I’m not here to judge. I’m JUST saying, that there are many universal things I do on a daily basis.
I’m fully aware that there are things I do that are not normal. I eat honey mustard sauce on my nachos, I get weird about other people sitting at my desk, and we all know about my shark phobia. Let’s get past it.
HOWEVER, coffee shops have their own patented blend of wacky. It’s amazing. I came into this coffee shop to write a completely different blog post, which I am now going to have to put on hold, because I’ve decided to write about complete strangers.
There’s the guy who always comes in with his dog…in a purse. HOLD ON! WAIT. First of all, there is a guy who always comes in wearing a purse. That, in itself, deserves honorable mention. What’s even more remarkable is that he always has his wiener dog inside the purse. There is a please leave your dogs outside sign on the door of the coffee shop, and he completely green lights this sign, every time. I’m not sure if he thinks that nobody can SEE the dog, because it’s a wiener dog, and maybe wiener dogs have an invisibility factor when entering coffee shops. I’m totally a dog person, and I have no aversions to dogs coming into coffee shops, but Dude, I can totally see your invisible dog. Time for a new invisibility cloak.
Then there is Short Shorts Guy. This is pretty self explanatory. It might not seem very glamorous that he wears shorts, but here’s the catch, he wears shorts ALL THE TIME. We live in New England, where one minute it can feel warm and sunny and the next minute we’re in a state of emergency, and the snot in our nostrils is frozen. If you’ve ever lived in New England, don’t even pretend to be grossed out by that statement, as if that hasn’t happened to you. Short Shorts Guy comes in, fresh from the blizzard, wearing his short shorts like there isn’t 85 inches of snow on the ground.
There is fedora man, who has a fedora that matches every outfit. You know how some people have underwear that has the days of the week on them? Well, I’d like to think he has the fedora for every day of the week. Last week he came in wearing a khaki suit and a khaki colored fedora with a tan feather in it. I’ve seen him with a red polo and a red fedora. This is amazing, he actually just walked in, and today he is wearing a light blue track suit with a light blue fedora. I imagine him to be the equivalent of one of the Backstreet Boys at age 60. Baby blue suit, matching fedora, quit playing games with my heart.
The book club makes an appearance at least once a month, and I have to remember to sit nowhere near them, because 90% of the time they are discussing a book that I want to read, but don’t want to have read to me. I’m not a fan of spoilers. At work one day, a student almost told me the ending to the third book of The Hunger Games, and I asked him to stop. He kept trying to tell me the ending, and it resulted in me telling him that I would send him to the principal’s office if he revealed the last three pages to me. I’m a hard core teacher. I keep the kiddies in line. On second thought, if I caught the book club on a night where they were discussing The Hunger Games, I’d probably pull up a chair, uninvited.
There are the yogis, who come in from yoga, sweaty, and freshly shavasanaed. I’m slightly jealous of these people, because somehow they manage to still look presentable after being in a 500 degree yoga class for an hour and a half. After yoga, I usually look like somebody cruelly pointed a high pressure water hose on a standard issue fire truck at me. Oh? You want me to invert and do what pose now? I don’t think I can balance on my head, do an upside down split, and grab both of my big toes. Sorry, teach. Now let’s go get some coffee.
Then there’s the girl who usually orders a chai. She sits in the window seat hunched over her laptop, demonstrating horrible posture. Once in a while, she accidentally yanks her headphones out of her laptop while her music is loudly playing, (that actually just happened). She awkwardly looks around, makes uncomfortable eye contact when people catch her staring at them, and then she writes about these people against their will.
I’m sure someone in this coffee shop is probably writing about her as well.